and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
