PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
