at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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