if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
