Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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