Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
