Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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