Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
