My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
