The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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