Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
