did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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