i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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