Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
