her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
