i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
