Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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