my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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