pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
