It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
