What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
