whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i drank out of a bidet.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
