highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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