i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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