Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
