first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
