Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
