there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia