Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
