I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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