My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
