your parents love me but you hate me
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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