Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my sisters under your porch take her home
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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