so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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