Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
