I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
