bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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