if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
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We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
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Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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