3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
