I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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