Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
