life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
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Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
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My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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