Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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