i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
