I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
