We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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