Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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