I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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