I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
