I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
