well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
