Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
