just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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